Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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