look no pants
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
there is glitter all over my balls
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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