My liver just broke up with me...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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