I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
