i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
