Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
