I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
