I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
