Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
