i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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