this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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