Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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