apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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