I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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