Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
