So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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