Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
