I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
