So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
