I cannot find my penis.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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