He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
