And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
