Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
