The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
