I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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