the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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