Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
