I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
