Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
