so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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