I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
