My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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