i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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