Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
