Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
