My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
