This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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