and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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