Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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