I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
