please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
