I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
