She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
ok first of all what the fuck
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
