Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
