So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
