I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
