and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
