Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
