U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
