I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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