i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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