This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
