my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
