If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
