Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
