GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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