is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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